Five Things You Learn On Tinder.

Online dating is not something that’s unheard of in this day and age. Gone are the days of meeting people by joining a sport or just at school/work or through a friend of a friend of a friend. Well, they’re not gone-gone, but you get the picture. It is sort of strange when you start thinking about how it’s actually okay and/or normal to say that you met your partner online even though the potential of someone being a serial axe murderer is always there.

Now, call me a cynic, but I used to scoff (I still do) at the idea of online dating because why should I, a semi-attractive and ambitious 20-something year old, have to resort to this magical thing we call the Internet, to find the love of my life? It is just absolutely preposterous! You’d just reek of desperation! You could just go out and do things and meet people! Online dating… Bah!

And then I remember how painfully shy I am in real life and how terrifying it is for me to just casually saunter up to someone and pull a Joey Tribbiani (highfive for the Friends reference!) on them. That is until I’ve consumed copious amounts of alcohol, then that’s a WHOLE different ball game, but I digress!

The thing about online dating is that it is ultimately a massive hassle. At the end of the day, I am a busy woman. I have a life outside of the Internet, contrary to popular belief! I have friends, I swear! Besides, all those essays aren’t going to write themselves and all 10 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy aren’t going to just get watched all by their lonesome ha ha ha…  Ha.

Jokes aside, when it comes down to it, I just simply don’t have the time or the patience to write a lengthy profile portraying an idealized version of myself, or fill out carefully calibrated surveys that will scientifically match me with a potential mate.

My need for speed is why I resorted to Tinder. I know, I know. It’s dodgy as hell and I’m sure that most men on there are only interested in sending dick pics or looking for a casual hookup, but bottom line is, it’s quick and easy and it’s very much like glancing at someone across the bar and deciding whether or not they’re attractive. Shallow? Yes. But it gets the job done when you’re actually IN a bar, does it not?! Which leads me to the first thing you learn on Tinder:

1. Being shallow is absolutely fine.

Girl, who told you that the fairer sex isn’t allowed to take a good hard look at someone and decide whether or not you would like to have their face all up in your own face or their body all up on your body?? It’s not wrong and ultimately, the science does prove that there is a good reason for it!

When you swipe left, all you’re really saying is that genetically, you don’t feel that this individual is suitable for you, your personal preferences or your genes. That isn’t to say that I condone selecting a partner based on just their looks, but come on. We’re on Tinder. This is the epitome of shallow. Besides, everyone has a different definition of what is or isn’t attractive to them. The handy thing about Tinder is that the app only allows you to talk to people who find you equally attractive, which is handy because heaven knows you wouldn’t want to be bombarded with the next thing.

2. There will be dicks. And there will be a lot of them.

Both figuratively and literally. It’s unavoidable. You’re gonna find assholes everywhere you go so this shouldn’t come as a massive surprise.

What weirds me out is the amount of men who are comfortable with just slapping a picture of their penis all over the internet. Dude. Have some class. No girl is going to swipe right when there’s a peen just staring them in the face. Girls can be assholes too, by the way, because we might just show our friends and laugh at your wiener. If you’re gonna show it, I sure as hell am going to judge it because penises are NOT attractive in the very least. It’s the truth and you lot know it!

There are also some guys who on the surface look okay, but then they start a conversation with you and are straight up, “Are you looking for some fun?” or even, “Hey, you look sexy, want to come to mine?”

No, I will not come to yours and I certainly will not be flashing my bits for you. Shame on you! I’m an intellectual woman with hopes and dreams. I am not just around for “fun” and I sure as hell am NOT afraid to tell you that you’re being absolutely inappropriate. I am more than my long legs and my buxom bosom. Honestly, how hard is it for someone to be polite and decent? You wouldn’t talk to your mother or your sister this way and you sure as hell wouldn’t want someone to talk to them like that either! Blocked.

Note: I also classify dicks as those who use just group photos and don’t point out which one they are. Ain’t nobody got time to play guessing games!

3. There are a lot of boring people out there.

You know those sort of people. The ones who just say, “Hey,” and then expect you to carry the conversation.

What am I supposed to do with that??? You bore me. Am I supposed to just magically pull out an interesting topic out of my ass when all you give me to work with is a, “Hey”? I can be charming when I want to be, but if you don’t give me anything to say anything to, I can tell you for sure we’re not going to work out. Obviously, you have no interest in having a wonderfully stimulating conversation about Lord of the Rings like I would. Yes, you’re pretty but prettiness only goes so far.

I’m not saying that there aren’t some interesting individuals on Tinder. Oh, believe me, there are plenty of those. I was once propositioned for a threesome by a handsome 28 year old who happily (and quite politely) revealed that he and the missus were looking for a “playmate”. Now, I’m flattered by the notion, but I don’t think I’m the one for you. Thanks for the offer, though! I’ve also had very stimulating conversations with people who were interesting and not creepy. So, thank you non-creepy people for making this less awkward.

4. You will get an ego boost.

75 guys that you found attractive swiped right because they think the same of you.

Who could say no to that confidence boost?

5. Don’t take things too seriously.

At the end of the day, it’s just like any other game. There’s not much thought that goes into it when you start swiping as there will be times when you just end up swiping the night away — which by the way, you shouldn’t — without a care in the world.

Although it’s become well known for being a hook-up app, there’s always a slight chance that you could actually meet someone cool or at least have the opportunity to strike up a conversation with people you never thought you’d ever speak to in real life! It’s more about learning how to be comfortable with being out of your comfort-zone and just placing yourself in higher regard.

The key to this is to just take things as they are and don’t freak the fuck out if that cute guy you were speaking to stops speaking to you. It’s not the end of the world and there’s always the other 74 along with people you actually come into contact with in reality. Besides, if he stops talking to your cute, independent ass, he’s a dick anyway.

And if someone asks to meet up with you, make sure you tell someone and do it in a public place. At the end of the day, safety will always come first. You sure as hell don’t want to be meeting up with a serial axe-murderer.


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